The US Lost...Now What?
Premier League Sorting Hat
It was a familiar scene for those of us that have been watching the USMNT for a while. Falling to a UEFA foe in the round of 16 while being thoroughly outplayed for 90 minutes. The build up and anticipation of the game - arguably our most talented world cup roster - and everything gone like a fart in the wind.
It was the 2010 World Cup that hooked me on the game. I was a basketball and football guy until then. But the adrenaline of a 1-1 tie with England after Gerrard scored in the 4th minute. The comeback from 2 nil down against Slovenia to earn a draw. Then the late drama with a 91’ Landon Donovan winner to qualify for the knockouts. Wow. Soccer is a helluva sport. Then; predictably we lose to Ghana to end my Summer obsession with The Beautiful Game.
From there, I followed the 2014 qualifying cycle closely. I enjoyed watching the team struggle through Concacaf qualifying in unique atmospheres like El Salvador, Honduras, and Costa Rica. I was content just following the National Team. But then when we failed to qualify for the World Cup in 2018, I was devastated. Without a true rooting interest in the tournament, I found myself yearning for the excitement the tournament brought. I had a buddy feeding me all things Tottenham at the time and with them playing in Champions League every year at that point in time; I became fully addicted to club soccer. If you’re interested in getting into the game; pick a club (in any league) and watch them every week.
I’d like to help you develop the same ailment. I’m going to attempt to sort you into a club based on your current rooting interests. We’ve had several “EPL Sorting Hat” episodes on the Rooster and the Villain podcast and they are some of my favorites. I’m going to compare a Premier League (or recently in the Premier league) club with American football since it’s our most popular sport. (I’d also encourage you to find your local and head to games in person. Some of the best, low-cost sports entertainment available). Be nice in the comments section as this is purely hypothetical…
New England Patriots → Chelsea - Champions in the modern era, hated by many, but capable of ending the season near the top. Cole Palmer and Drake Maye both have the same smug look. Hoping Drake has a down year like Cole last year. Not a huge fan of either of these teams.
Buffalo Bills → Leeds United - A long-suffering but fiercely loyal fanbase who are obsessed with their team and never stop believing despite consistent let downs.
Miami Dolphins → Fulham - Every time it feels like you can get excited for the club, they ooze mediocrity. Like the Dolphins, Fulham (Fulhamerica) has strong support across the Country. Bonus points for Antonee Robinson holding down up the left flank.
New York Jets → West Ham → This feels very appropriate. If there was relegation in football, no doubt you’d see the gang green slumming it up at Metlife in the UFL.
Pittsburgh Steelers → Arsenal - This one feels appropriate to me despite the Steelers not winning for a couple of years. Both teams have a storied history, recognizable identity, large national following, and periods of frustration mixed with optimism. Both are also very hate-able.
Baltimore Ravens → Liverpool - I struggled with where to sort the Ravens. It feels like Liverpool has had more success - especially in recent years - but the Ravens have two Super Bowls since 2001 and seem to be consistently good (like Liverpool).
Cincinnati Bengals → Brighton & Hove Albion - the Bengals seem like a solid mid-table club. Never quite good enough to be a legitimate contender, but always putting a solid product on the field.
Cleveland Browns → Sunderland - Historic fanbase enduring decades of disappointment while maintaining remarkable loyalty.
Jacksonville Jaguars → Bournemouth - Smaller-market club punching above its weight and trying to establish itself.
Houston Texans → Burnley - Hard-working, rebuilding, hoping to establish a stable identity. Also co-owned by famous Houston Texan, JJ Watt. I feel like Sean Dyche could have made a helluva fullback.
Indianapolis Colts → Aston Villa - Historic club with a large, loyal fanbase that expects to compete but understands it’s difficult.
Tennessee Titans → Wolverhampton - Both teams are coming off pretty miserable seasons. However, each team is capable of reaching the heights of mid-table. Never really taking them too seriously, though.
Denver Broncos → Arsenal - Sorting 2 teams into my most hated club feels gross, however, I feel the comparison is too strong here as both clubs are coming off of great regular seasons and have had historical success. The resurgence comes after a down period as well.
Los Angeles Chargers → Brentford - Smart team that tends to overachieve in the shadow of the bigger team(s) of their city.
Kansas City Chiefs → Manchester City - recently, they are the top dogs in their respective leagues. The teams’ are both led by a charismatic superstar and are a threat to win each and every year.
Las Vegas Raiders → Blackburn Rovers - a bit of an odd choice, admittedly, but Blackburn once won a Premier League title in the mid-90s. Raiders haven’t had a Superbowl run since the mid-80s. It seems like two teams chasing former glory…
Philadelphia Eagles → Newcastle - perhaps I’m slighting Birds fans a bit here by not placing them into a team that has won the title in the modern era, however, they’ve got a recent Leagues cup to their name. I get Linc vibes out of St James’ Park as well.
Dallas Cowboys - Manchester United - this team has the largest brand, fanbase, media attention, and the biggest similarity; past glory without recent success. You see their fans everywhere and laugh at their misfortunes. Every year is “their year”.
Washington Commanders → Nottingham Forest - Historic championships decades ago, years of dysfunction, now hopeful under new ownership. A good run in a one-off year, but back to subpar they are destined to be.
New York Giants → Tottenham Hotspur - Huge market, historic relevance, occasional glory, but supporters often feel they're underachieving. I’m a fan of both of these teams.
Chicago Bears → Everton - One of the oldest names in the sport with a proud history but frustrating recent decades. Seems appropriate that Rog from MIB is a fan of both teams.
Green Bay Packers → Leicester City - this was another tough choice. It feels like the Packers have been a top team for a while but the truth is that they have only won twice since 1997. But they enjoy incredible home support and are generally likeable from a neutral perspective.
Minnesota Vikings → Southampton - Have shown some flashes of success in the past but feels like a team that would be a good candidate to be a yo-yo club. Sometimes maybe good. Sometimes maybe shit.
Detroit Lions → Nottingham Forest - Historic success long ago followed by decades in the wilderness before a recent resurgence.
Carolina Panthers → Stoke City - Brief periods of success surrounded by inconsistency.
Seattle Seahawks → Crystal Palace - Loud home support, distinctive atmosphere, generally competitive without being perennial champions.
Atlanta Falcons → Middlesbrough - Strong academy/history, memorable highs, unforgettable collapses.
New Orleans Saints → Ipswich Town - Community-centered club with one unforgettable golden era.
LA Rams → Chelsea - Big spending, star-studded rosters, willing to mortgage the future for immediate success. A team that is fun to hate.
San Francisco 49ers → Liverpool - Historic powerhouse with consistent contention, prestigious history, and fans expecting championships.
Arizona Cardinals → Watford - Long history with relatively little sustained success.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers → Derby County - Historic title(s), long stretches of mediocrity, and team that often gets forgotten. Sorry!
This is an excellent list....